This story is part of our End of the Childbearing Years series, exploring the experiences, decisions, and feelings of Mormon women around this pivotal transition. Each story is a generous and vulnerable offering. We ask that comments be sensitive and nonjudgmental toward any woman’s choices or beliefs.
If it wasn’t for the gospel, I am certain I would have lost my will to live a long time ago. I was told at a very young age that I would never be able to have children due to some medical issues, but for some reason my soul yelled, “NO” at that moment.
My husband and I battled years of infertility, including five miscarriages (including a set of twins). So I have six babies in heaven to this day. Miraculously, we have two beautiful little girls whom we call our Rainbow Angels.
At the very end of my last pregnancy, I knew I could not go on to have more children or even attempt it. I knew my emotional and physical well-being would be in grave danger if I did. I cried and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to know what to do. I had only been in this process of building a family for five years. Was I a sinner for wanting to stop? Selfish? Vain?
No. I wasn’t. I felt this amazing peace come over me during this pleading prayer. I felt my Heavenly Father wrap His arms around me. I knew at that moment He was taking care of my six babies in Heaven and I was to focus on my children on earth in this life. I will always wonder what it would be like having a large family, but that is something I can focus on later in the eternities. I remember rubbing my belly the night before my last little girl was born. I spent hours talking to her and embracing all of her kicks (and even some of the horrendous heartburn). I told her I was ready for her, but I was actually telling myself that it was ok to let go. I was at peace at letting this be my last pregnancy. Even at the young age of 26. I was ready. I said a prayer to Heavenly Father. I told Him that I had done my part in this cycle of my life. I was ready to give this heartache and pain to Him, and to have peace. I also told Him how grateful I was to have experienced all of these trials and miracles in regards to my “pregnant life”. The moment I finished praying, I kicked into labor with her.
I am so grateful that I can apply the Atonement to my life, to heal my aching heart and yearning soul for my babies. I know I can lean on my Heavenly Father and know that there is peace in the decisions my family has made in regards to our fertility and growth. Physical, mental, and emotional health is important in all things, and our Heavenly Father is very aware of this. I know I don’t have to be the typical Mormon family “size” to have eternal happiness and peace. One day I will hold and love on all of my babies in my arms, but until then, they will be held tightly in my heart.