This story is part of our End of the Childbearing Years series, exploring the experiences, decisions, and feelings of Mormon women around this pivotal transition. Each story is a generous and vulnerable offering. We ask that comments be sensitive and nonjudgmental toward any woman’s choices or beliefs.

By Christina G.

Our story started on June 15, 2002 at the Los Angeles temple, where we were sealed for all eternity. We talked about having children pretty quickly due to us already being in our 30’s. After the first year with no luck, I turned to my doctors who ran every test possible. I was told that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Now it was the husbands turn. We found out that he was not so lucky and that he would never be able to have children. We discussed other medical alternatives with each other and our bishop but we felt that wasn’t the road for us. We discussed adoption but I was not fully on board. My husband is adopted, so he had no concerns. After some time of pondering and praying, we decided to move forward with adoption.

It took us a year to go through the process of classes, home visits, and becoming certified with the courts. We were excited, scared and everything in between. We told everyone we knew that we were looking to adopt. We sent emails, flyers, and even went live on a radio show in Colorado to see if we could find that one person who would change our lives forever. After 3 years of waiting, crying, and fighting with each other, we decided we needed to stop and try to be happy with just the two of us. The first few years were a constant rollercoaster of emotions. We felt bitterness towards anyone with children. We would cry during baby blessings at church and get angry when every lesson seemed to revolve around the family. We had to step away from church for about a year but not because we didn’t believe, because we had to work things out for ourselves. I received an impression during this time that I knew before I came to this earth that I would not have children. It gave me a sense of peace to know this. We are now in our late 40’s and early 50’s and even though we still have tough days now and again, we truly believe that we will be blessed with children after this life.

There was a talk given in 1981 at BYU by Ardeth G. Kapp that I like to read once in a while that has helped. This is a quote from that talk…

“My answer came when I opened the scriptures to D&C 88:67–68: ‘And if your eye be single to my glory [and remember, God’s glory is to help ‘to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man’ (Moses 1:39)] your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that ye shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.'”

I didn’t want to be in darkness anymore and I wanted so badly to comprehend all things. At this point in our lives we are enjoying just the two of us. We have been able to do things that most couples with children cannot do. We are grateful for the strength we have received through this earthly trial and we know Heavenly Father has great plans for us.

I know this is not easy to go through and you are dealing with much heartache but I promise as you stay close to your Father in heaven, He will bless you with more than you can ever imagine.

We are in this together and we truly have a tremendous love for all of you that walk this path.