I had to finally accept my Heavenly Father’s plan for me.
As a childless woman in the LDS church, it’s hard to not feel like an outcast or a failure on a daily basis. I’ve spent my adult married life comparing myself to the women around me–more specifically, the mothers around me. As a young married woman, I dreamed of being a mother. And it just never happened. Twelve years later, it still hasn’t.
It was a few years, a million tears, countless Mother’s Days hiding in the bathroom at church, doctor’s visits, medications, more tears, and lots of nieces and nephews before I understood that I was not going to be a mother in this lifetime. And even as I realized that, it was still a few hundred tears, a few years, and a lot of cookies before I could actually accept it.
And then I got a calling that saved my life and taught me my true purpose in this world. I was called as a Primary president in my ward. Heavenly Father gave me 60 kids to call my own and to love and to teach. I made the decision right then and there to throw all of the love, caring, and nurturing that I had in my heart and soul towards those 60 kids. They have returned it in a million different ways, which makes me love them all the more. I love them like they are my own. I count myself blessed to be part of their lives.
Eventually, I met a group of other women like me. I have come to realize that I am not alone in this trial, even though it is very seldom recognized or talked about. It’s true that there is strength in numbers. We’ve tried to take our lives, our trials, our experiences, and our strength and share them with a sometimes invisible group of women in the LDS Church, with tremendously wonderful results. I blog about my experience and hope I’m able to change women’s views about themselves. I want other childless women to understand that they’re not broken; they’re not unworthy of motherhood; they’re not failures. And most importantly, they’re not alone in this world. There are people who understand and feel empathy for their daily struggle, because we’ve been there too.
Being childless will never be easy or less painful for me, but I’ve learned to use that pain and that experience to help others come to accept their path in life and their purpose in the world and in the kingdom of our Heavenly Father. Believe me when I say that He knows what He is doing. Learning to trust in that is never easy, but it’s so worth it. I can make it through anything if I trust in Him and “lean not unto of mine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). I am grateful for the trials that I’ve been given because they’ve made me the strong, compassionate woman that I am today. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father’s plan for me and that He thought I was special enough to be able to teach and love other people’s children. I’m a pretty lucky girl that things didn’t turn out the way that I had planned.
Location: Idaho Falls, ID
Marital status: Married
Children: None, unless you count my Primary kids, which I do!
Occupation: Sheet music/instrument sales
On the Web: www.childlessmormonsupport.com
At A Glance