NOTHING STOPPING HER FROM LOVING HER SON

Karla Autrey’s son came out to her as gay after he completed his mission. She did not understand at first how to accept his sexual orientation but has poured herself into learning unconditional love for her son and providing support to our LGBTQ members. 

ADVISORY: discussion of suicide prevention

Tell me about yourself.

I grew up on a small farm in Eastern Oregon. That part of Oregon had been settled by the Mormons, and I grew up in the Church. It’s a very rural and conservative area. My ancestors saw things as very black-and-white, very patriarchal. The men dominated and the women complied. That’s the way I grew up. It was also in the time in the Church with Bruce R. McConkie and Ezra Taft Benson – their talks came down like “Thus saith the Lord …” I wasn’t independent enough to wonder, “maybe not.” My mom was very black-and-white. My dad was a convert from the South, so he could see more shades of gray. He was political and I attended some political things with him. I think that influenced me even though I was raised to be very strict and conservative.

I went to BYU, then served a mission in Ecuador. When I got home, I transferred to Texas Tech, where my father’s family was. I met my husband there – we married and moved around a lot. We have three children – a daughter and two sons. My daughter lives in Maryland with five kids and three step-kids. My older son lives in Kansas near us and has four children. My younger son lives in Utah and is gay. 

My husband and I moved to Austin shortly after getting married, and I graduated from the University of Austin with a psychology degree. I went on to Southwest Texas State and got a master’s degree in literature. They were important at the time but now they’re just kind of a blur. When we left Texas, we moved to Ohio and needed a second income, and I taught in the Ohio state prison system. That was an amazing experience and a real eye-opener. For the first few weeks, I was scared – my first meeting was being taught what to do if we were taken hostage. But a light clicked and I realized these people are people. They were exceptional. Some inmates told me, “We’re throw-away people. We know they put us here and locked the door, and don’t expect to see us again.” It made a big impression on me and was the most rewarding job I ever had because I made a difference. Education makes a difference. People don’t return to prison if they’ve had a chance to receive an education – it really cuts down recidivism. 

We were in Ohio for five years, then Florida, Illinois, and ended up in Kansas. We’ve been here for twenty years. I’ve taught everything from preschool all the way through college. I tutored college students who have special needs or learning disabilities – that was another good experience because it gave kids a chance to go to college with supports. When a person can say, “I’ve been to college,” even if they don’t graduate, it’s a real plus for their job prospects. 

When my youngest son graduated from high school, I went back to school and got a marriage and family therapy degree. I didn’t get my license and I’ve never practiced. I just enjoyed learning. That’s my goal – to enjoy learning. I’ve been able to share it with other people, but that’s kind of where it went.

That’s when my son was coming out and a lot of conflict started. Sometimes he was coming out, and then he wasn’t … I wasn’t very receptive to him in high school and it didn’t go well. He served a mission when he was twenty-one and his mission was very positive with some people, and not positive with others. When he came home, his mission president told him to just forget all that LGBT stuff, go home and be straight. He tried.  

I was so off the page. He called me about a year after his mission and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” I said, “Oh, you’re engaged!” Not quite. He told me that he is gay, so I really was on the wrong page. I said all the typical things – that he could still marry a woman because other people have … the myriad of things to make myself comfortable but that hurt him. It wasn’t too long after that when he decided he would be better off not having any association with our family. We haven’t heard from him in about two years. If that’s what is best for him, then that’s what he needs. I took a deep dive and studied about LGBTQ from various sources – I finally realized what I was doing. I learned a lot and learned that I was wrong.

 

You said “wrong things” about your son being gay but then were willing to study it. What made you take a second look?

I love my son. I enjoy being around him. There are some people – you just enjoy their personality. We could laugh until we were almost rolling on the floor. We could have very deep discussions. He knows Christ. He has a much deeper relationship with Christ than anybody I know. 

When my son was set apart for his mission, the stake president said there would be an angel on his right side and on his left. I heard it and believed it and moved on. My father had already passed away, and I have a brother who passed away as an infant. You can take it for what it’s worth, but when I picked up my son at the airport at the end of his mission, I heard my dad say, “Okay, it’s time for us to go now.” I envisioned my dad and my brother on my son’s right side and his left. He told me about some of the challenges he experienced and yeah, it was probably good to have some extra help. Picking up bits and pieces of what he went through on his mission, he had to have something to help him through. That helped me to know about Christ because of what my son went through on his mission.

I read Ben Schilaty’s book, A Walk in My Shoes, and that helped me see things from a different perspective. I read Charlie Bird’s book, Without the Mask. I read the book by Tom Christofferson, That We May Be One. I thought about what Tom wrote about his mother – she came from a very conservative background, but nothing was going to stop her from loving her son, and she wasn’t going to allow others to disrespect him. 

I went outside the Church and read a lot of books – medical things, whatever I could find. I went through the myths, like you can become gay by association. That’s a myth. I learned about genetics and there’s not really an answer yet, but researchers have some ideas. 

In the meantime, my husband was working out near New York City, then transferred to the San Francisco area. He interacted with a lot of gay people while he worked in both locations. In his own way, he was being prepared for our son as well. 

I went through a period of being angry, and I’m still a little angry that I believed everything that I was told in church. I had to re-evaluate everything I had been told about LGBT people, and it’s not consistent with Christ’s gospel as I understand it now. I was angry with myself that I didn’t think more critically, that I was so accepting as “thus saith the Lord.” I didn’t leave the Church. I don’t know if you can leave the Church and create a change within the Church. Do I believe the Church is true? I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. That’s kind of where it stands. 

I believe that a lot of members of the LGBTQ community are so much closer to Christ. They’re so much more Christlike than I am. It bothers me, because they’re worthy of being in the temple and they’re not there. I think that if we can open ourselves up to the LGBTQ community, we will be so much better off because they don’t choose war. They look for peaceful ways to resolve things. They’re our hope for the future. We haven’t done too well, and they see things so much differently. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but it’s like Brene’ Brown says: “It’s hard to hate people close up.” Get to know people and it changes. As I’ve gotten to know them, as I think back on my son, I think about other people … I was wrong. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with everything. I still have sixty-plus years of “this is the way I saw it,” but I know I was wrong and I want the world to be different than it is.

 

How are you working to change the world to be different? What do you envision?

I serve in the temple. I know that’s controversial with a lot of people because the temple excludes LBGTQ members in a lot of ways. But I can go there and the Holy Ghost can talk with me, caution me, tell me to be patient, and explain things that help me get through. There isn’t a row of white shirts and dark suits sitting on a stand that I feel are between me and God. I take out the people between myself and God. Sometimes after talking to church members, I want to never go to church again because I go home feeling so bad from what they said. But I enjoy being in the temple, even though I know that doesn’t work for everybody and I can understand reasons why it wouldn’t.

I envision that we wouldn’t have labels anymore. We wouldn’t have the labels of gay or lesbian or minority this and that. We would just be. We could still be different – we don’t have to agree. We didn’t agree in heaven and we aren’t agreeing down here on earth. But we don’t have to be mean about it. Red will always be my favorite color but it won’t be everybody’s favorite color, and even then, I don’t want red everywhere. I appreciate blue and green. People could just be and we could listen to each other. 

 

I like your focus on learning – from books and by experience. People learn in all different ways, and there is so much to learn that is important. 

When I got my master’s degree in literature, I minored in adolescent psychology. We were living in San Marcos, near Houston, and there was a rash of suicides. I learned how contagious suicide was, especially among youth. If somebody’s talking about it, you need to be aware. I’ve done the QPR suicide prevention training (Question, Persuade, Refer) and in fact, one time I was talking to a long-distance family member. The person called me and we were talking, and suddenly I started recognizing the signs that this person was contemplating suicide and was saying goodbye. I knew to address it. You can say, “Are you thinking about this?” And yes, the person was. I talked to them for a few minutes and said, “I’m going to get you help. I have other family members that live near you that I’m going to call.” I talked to the individual’s spouse and said, “Please watch over them. I’m going to call some other family members and have them come.” When I called others, I didn’t know if they believed me or not, but I said, “You need to go see them now. Put down whatever you are doing, this is not something you can put off, go see them now.”  

It really helped going through that training. I had heard the myth that if I bring up the subject of suicide, it might encourage it. That’s not true – you need to bring it up and address it. That’s a frustration I have – these young people are getting pushed out, but do we realize what they’re being pushed toward?  

 

If someone came to you and said, “My kid just came out, what do I do?” – what would you say? 

I might let them spew for a while and just listen to them. There’s a power to listening. I might have to use some duct tape so I didn’t interrupt. Maybe there would be some openings where I could say, “This is what I’ve learned, and this is what I’ve experienced.” Our children are the same people before they made an announcement as they are after. You loved this child before. The only difference is they’ve made the announcement. 

I would talk to them about the process I went through when my son came out.  I partnered with an illustrator to create an experiential book that helps parents and others understand and work through the conflict between their beliefs and loving their child. It hasn’t been published yet but I’m working on figuring that out.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned for my son is unconditional love. I’m not great at it yet, but I’m aware and I’m trying. You do not have to agree with people’s choices, but God always loves us and we should do the same. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother don’t withdraw Their love and say, “Okay, that’s it. You’ve made too many mistakes. You’re on your own.” You can love your children, and everyone. You don’t have to agree with everybody, but you can still love them and show them respect. If you can just open the door to love – that’s how Christ summed it up. There are two commandments: love God and love our fellow men. Christ said, “That’s it, guys. That’s the law and the prophets.” But that commandment seems to get swept under the rug quickly, and we focus on all the other things. 

The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University has been studying this for more than twenty years – how much better off kids are when their families accept them and give them support. What a difference it makes in their lives. The website has a list of don’ts and DO’s, things to show support. It’s a great resource and helped me to be a better parent.  

I was asked to speak once in stake conference, and I asked the stake presidency, “Can I say these words? Gay and LGBTQ. No one says them over our pulpit.” And they said Yes. I quoted a lot of church leaders, and people came up to me after who were very grateful. There were other people who spoke to me on the way in, but did not speak to me on the way out. What message is that sending? Whether you like it or not, LGBTQ people are here. They’re part of our families and part of our church. 

I don’t mean to be disparaging, but I think God has given us this challenge of accepting LGBTQ people so we can truly learn to love all people. Different sexual orientations go against our culture, but God seems to be saying, “If you want my reward, you have to learn to love.” I think He’s pushing us. I just feel bad for the people who, the way I look at, possibly volunteered to come to this earth to help the rest of us. But boy, are they taking a beating. They’re treated better in some spaces, but this country is pretty hostile right now.

 

What are some of your current challenges regarding LGBT issues?

I would like to make a difference but sometimes I don’t know how. My husband and I joined PFLAG and attend the monthly meetings to find out about what’s going on in Kansas. We just got a new stake presidency but I haven’t hit them up yet with, “What are you going to do about LGBTQ people?” I thought to give them time get their feet on the ground, then schedule a meeting and ask them. That’s how I ended up speaking in stake conference – I was in a temple recommend interview and the stake counselor asked if I had any questions. I thought, “Oh brother, you should not have asked.” And I said, “Yeah, so many questions. What are we doing for the LGBTQ community?” I later attended a meeting with the stake leaders and some other LGBTQ parents, and saw the anger some parents have about the way their LGBTQ children are treated. And I was asked to speak in stake conference.

Sometimes it would be a lot easier to not go to church. I’m probably not very effective at church but I try, at least in spirit, for people to know I represent something different. It’s rough to experience opposition from other church members but we’re all people and we all have flaws. It’s just hard when their flaws and our flaws bang into each other. But there’s a gift in that, because now I understand how our LGBTQ brothers and sisters feel when they experience opposition from church members. I may not know it from an LGBTQ perspective, but I know it’s real. I think it’s good that I can understand and I’m not one more person throwing cold water on them. Out of hardships come great lessons that we can use to help other people when they experience even more hardship than we do. 

I believe we have to bridge the gap between what conservative parents have been told and believe, and loving their LGBTQ child. Someone has to reach out to the parents. It’s hard to work through your child being LGBTQ and the moral quandary that society, culture and some religions teach about being LGBTQ, but the parents can’t be condemned as monsters. The condemnation of being a “monstrous parent” when you can’t support your child being LGBTQ was paralyzing for me. Yes, I failed my son, no denying that. But to support and love him, I had to find a way through the myths, misinformation, misunderstandings, and confusion.

We don’t necessarily have the tools and understanding to help and support our children when they tell us that they are LGBTQ. The child instantly goes from being a person to an issue that the parents have been taught is a sin. In the parent’s attempt to help save their child from the “sin” of being LGBTQ, they say and do things that are destructive to the child and the family relationships.

It is parents’ responsibility to unconditionally love their children, but some parents, me included, don’t know what unconditional love is. They mistakenly think if they unconditionally love their children, they agree with everything they do. But that isn’t the way unconditional love works. It loves no matter what children do, think, say … Loving unconditionally means no matter what you do, I’ll always love you.

I had to separate my son from the LGBTQ issue. I read stories, listened to podcasts, and studied research for two years. While doing this, I made many mistakes. Many myths were still stuck in my head and I acted on them to my son’s detriment. Eventually, I separated out the misinformation – he did not choose this, his sexual orientation is not a mistake or a sin. I came to accept his being gay as the way God intended for him to be. Then I could again see my son for the amazing person he is. Unfortunately, by then he was no longer speaking to me. I don’t want another child or parent or family or friendship to follow this path.

We should not talk about LGBTQ as a topic. They’re people. They’re in the room. Let’s address them rather than talk about them, you know. They’re doing everything – they’re fasting, they’re praying, they’re doing all these things to the extreme. It’s not good. As far as I know, my son has walked away from the Church, and it’s probably healthier considering his situation. He had a bishop who was accepting, the next one was very black-and-white. It may be better for his spiritual and mental health to be apart right now. I had to learn how to live with that. 

God has not stopped watching out over my son. He has not stopped loving him. God has him on a path that I may not understand or be able to see, but He is helping him. The Lord hasn’t given up.

 

AT A GLANCE

NAME: Karla Autrey

AGE: 68

LOCATION: Lenexa, Kansas

MARITAL HISTORY: Married 44 years

CHILDREN: 1 daughter and 2 sons

CONVERT TO THE CHURCH: My parents were both members. I was baptized when I was 8.

EDUCATION: Masters in Literature and Marriage & Family Therapy

OCCUPATION: Retired

LANGUAGE SPOKEN AT HOME: English

FAVORITE HYMN: O My Father

At A Glance

Interview Produced by Trinia Caudle